Trampled, but still breathing

Well folks, I found it. My wall.

I ran American River to Sweetwater, turned at Secret Lake and took that all the way back to Sweetwater, which is almost to the third gate. Then ran the next 5 miles back. Round trip I would guess is somewhere around 12-13 miles.

The sun was shining hot and I knew right away that this had potential to be a tough run. My self destructive tendency told me to push it. Today I listened and bit off more than I could chew.

It wasn't God telling me to go farther...I don't even think it was the devil. I would say it was just me, and what I wanted to do.

I paid for it.

Let's start on Sweetwater just before I spotted the turn to Secret Lake.

I was already tired and going slow, but something in me desperately wanted to stay out here longer. Once I thought of Secret Lake Trail, I knew I wanted to go for it. I remember the hills were challenging. VERY STEEP, and not short. When you run downhill, it's for a long way and when you go uphill it's feels even longer.
I spotted the post that marked the turn for this tempting offer. I took it feeling scared, but challenged.
I was happy to see a small waterfall tucked away on the righthand side. I didn't see it the other day because I couldn't have seen it coming from that direction. I also saw a dead black and yellow bumble bee and a small snake, which made me jump cause I thought it was alive.

Halfway up the steepest hill, I stopped.
I was so mad that I threw my water bottle (yes, for the first time-I carried a water bottle) to the ground and kicked the pine needles. I yelled SHIT!! Then I checked to see if anyone heard me.
I tell you- I've had such a bad mouth on me lately.
I know that once you stop, you are more likely to stop again.

I stood there for a minute to catch my breath and poured water on my head.
I don't want to walk.
I took off again, hoping I could make it the rest of the way without another stop.
I didn't.

First I came to a crossroads. A place where I could cut through and shorten my route. But if I went straight, I could go down a more famous hill that splits all the way down to Sweetwater. Twice I've gone up this hill, but never down it. I told myself that I deserved to go down it. However, I knew I'd have to pay for that luxury.
I did. Dearly.

Oh, I managed to run for quite a while until I just couldn't take another step.
The inside of my left leg, near the groin, was screaming in pain. My feet felt like they were on fire and for the first time, I actually noticed that they had gotten swollen.
It was just after I turned back onto American River trail that I stopped again.
I cried. I cried for the pain in my leg, but mostly I cried because I simply needed to.

The last mile of my route was a mixture of walking, hobbling and jogging.

If security had stopped right there and offered me a ride, I would have taken it.

I was hurting.
I didn't want to run anymore.
I felt defeated and I just wanted to go home and sleep.
Sweat poured off my face like I had just walked through a shower.

I walked across my finish line in a daze and barely made it up my street.

I left the house at 10:10am
I walked back in at 12:25pm

2 hours and 15 minutes.

I guess that's not bad for tacking on extra mileage and stopping/walking.
I'll get better.
I can only improve, if I don't wind up on the injured list.

Felt so good to take off those shoes and spray down my feet with the garden hose.

Ahhhhh, just like sticking my feet in Lake Tahoe last month, except that was colder.

How the hell am I ever gonna run 26 miles?!?!
I guess that will come. Look, I didn't know I could 12.
Yes, it will come.