The Other Side of Fear

I wanted to run 10 miles, but I did not.

I ran 6. Here's how it went down.

I have been feeling a bit ill all week. My stomach has not agreed with much food. It may be the over indulgence of last weekends party- or my sensitive insides- or a touch of the flu. Perhaps a combination of the first two, but does it matter why? The point is I woke up feeling sick...again.

Besides, the sun is out and shining...again. I long for the cool damp mist to drag along the asphalt surface. It is in the mist I can really run and not grow weary...at least not until the eighth mile! ;-)

I got my sorry butt out of bed and got dressed. I will run today, no matter what! I just won't get out to third gate. That would take 2 hours and I don't want to leave my girls alone in the house for that long.

Here we go. The Plan? Second gate and perhaps Otter to boot.

So I did that. Done and done. I was tired early on and wondered how in the hell I ever managed to run 12 miles (10 without stopping)!!
Before I even reached Sweetwater trail, I passed a lady jogging with her dog. Of course with it being a Saturday, there were many people out walking, biking and running.
On the way back from Second gate, I ran down Otter trail and passed the big log house. On their mailbox was a balloon. I wondered if the couple who lived there were announcing the birth of a baby...but the balloon didn't say anything. Not even Happy Birthday. It was mostly green with a little red in the middle. Could have been a red flower, but I couldn't tell. Hmmm??
O'well- I went on and forgot about it.

As I was coming up to my "finish line" I looked down at my watch. It's been 45 minutes. I knew I ran about 4 miles. Without stopping, I continued. Instead of turning left onto my street- my feet turned right. I ran up Westville trail and smiled. Another 2 miles!! Yeah!! I'm feeling good!
On Westville I saw another balloon exactly like the other one, attached to the mailbox of yet another nice home. Then it hit me...the Christmas home tour. Our gated community hosts a holiday home tour each year. I guess it's an open house sort of thing. You drive around to different homes to ooouuu and ahhhh at other people's stuff.

In 22 minutes I was back at my finish line and ready to stop.
6 miles. That's it...6.
Not bad for today, I told myself.

This is just as much a mental challenge as it is a physical one.
Why is it that some days my brain says..."run more, more, more, more!!! You can do it!"
While other days my brain says..."Kathy, what makes you think you have what it takes to run that far? Look at you...your butt is kicked after mile 6, or even 3 sometimes!"

We talk ourselves in or out of what we can or can't do.

Why? One word...FEAR

Fear of what?

PAIN

So how can I get past this fear?

By doing the pain...giving my body permission to feel the pain. You would be surprised what is past the pain.
Today I was going up a hill and I thought I couldn't go any faster. The resistance and pressure on my legs was horrible. I asked myself...Why am I tired? Haven't I run harder than this before? Move it legs!!
But it will hurt!
Yes, it will. So what? It already does. Lift your legs up higher. You CAN do it. You're just afraid to feel the pain.

I managed to do it. I raised them up higher and went just a little faster. My heart was racing. My blood was pumping. My sweat was dripping. And when I got to the top, the pain left me. My heart rate came down. I felt a rush of adrenaline and man, I was on cloud 107...until the next hill and the next wave of fear.

It's one hill and one fear at a time. The challenge is always there. No matter if I'm running 4 miles or 12.

Still, I like the easy times, when running feels like flying and the pain turns to ice. I skate along it's slippery edge with the wind blowing through my hair. Above the pain, I am safe. Soon I will be in the melted water...and that is where I will learn to swim...on the other side of fear.