Two Weeks!

Dressed and ready in my shorts, shoes and tank...I stalled.
I took the sheets off the bed, folded the laundry and vacuumed the hallway carpet.
Why?
Because I was afraid to run. It's been two weeks and I knew it was going to be hard. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to meet my own expectations. I didn't want to disappoint myself.
It's just one of those times when you HAVE to do it. Not running today would be a bigger let down for myself, right?
Yes, of course it would.
If I get out there and find myself walking...at least I tried, and THAT is never fully failing. Better not to quit before I start.

So, how did it go?

Good. No, a little better than that. I didn't stop. That was my goal. But why is my goal never good enough? I crossed my finish line and looked down at my ipod.
7 songs. That how long it took me to run Otter Trail.
I usually can do it in 5 or 6!
I felt disappointed in myself.
I think no matter what, I was bound to do this. I should give myself a break! It has been 2 weeks! I can't expect to break records, jeez!

One neat thing happened.
On the way back up the crazy steep hill I live on, I stopped and closed my eyes. I sank into the music. I felt the cool breeze lightly brushing my legs. I wasn't thinking about anything. Nope, nothing. That's hard to do if you try. I wasn't trying. It just happened.
I didn't feel aware of anything happening. Just calm, dark...nothing.
It was peaceful.
Maybe this is what naturalists call "meditation".
When my eyes finally did open, I wondered how long I'd been like that. A minute? Less? More?
I had no idea.
It was almost a shock...a jolt...to realize that I was standing in the middle of the street.

Fear is a waste of time. Real...but a waste when you know it's not going to stop you. It's just going to delay you.
I think guilt harbors those lies too. But that's a whole nother post.